She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
We were destined to go to rehab together
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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