in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
