Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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