my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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