I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
