you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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