He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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