Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize