why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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