Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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