she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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