I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
