i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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