I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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