The maid of honor just puked.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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