Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
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Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
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When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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