That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
