Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
