i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize