mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
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