I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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