May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
