im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster