Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
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I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
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The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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