at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
