Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
