Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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