I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
