I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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