Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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