The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
