please come you make the beer taste better
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
