My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
