You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
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