Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
