dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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