There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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