dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
