I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
