So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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