God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
