I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
