Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
