Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
