I think I just saw someone hide a body.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
