What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
