Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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