I wanna bring you to show and tell
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
