woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
