He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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