it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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