Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
