new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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