This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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