Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
