Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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