Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
