Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
