who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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