I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
