I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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