my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
