he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
